in fields where nothing grew but weeds

20 things.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 04:26:05 GMT

1. i should be going to sleep. i have to get up at the crack of dawn and do my hair. but i insist on talking to shawna on facebook. i really miss her. ):

2. tomorrow is senior night. the last basketball game i will probably perform at for highschool moreover my entire life. since i will not be doing apsu pom squad.

3. i hate the serious talks i have with my parents. lately, the ones about college. i just want to have the fun side with them, laughing at mom, laughing with dad. i like it better that way.

4. im glad my dad likes jon. & im glad he likes him more than i know. because hes a keeper, and everyone knows tat.

5. ive been reading alot more lately. its crazy.

6. ie also been watching mtv more than abc family, i thought id never see the day.

6. speaking of reading, i love lifeway. and cant wait til i have a job. i think ill be constantly buying things there. that & borders.

7. i wish i had banana chapstick.

8. i hate the fact that my mom constantly needs my laptop. even thoughi shouldnt care.

9. i absolutely detest my 6th period class. & two people in it.

10. im glad ive gotten closer to abby, despite what people say. shes a really good friend,and i love her mom.

11. i miss piper.

12. the studio has changed. the attitude i mean. and its not just mine.

13. i have to go get a costume fitted tomorrow. i hate lani waiting at the last minute it kills me.

14. i miss the dances from last year. people put their heart into those.

15. i feel as if everyone including myself has given up. on what? idk.

16. i need sleep. my stomac hurts, and i dont have an appetite.

17. i wish my hair curled right. and didnt take so long.

18. i miss how things were.

19. my batteries about to die.

20. i love you jon.

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 01:19:20 GMT

wow. so i just read all the crap that ive written since ive had livejournal. since i have no life. but i cant express to you how big a turn around my life has had in the past couple years. or dang, even just a year.

my relationship with God has changed so much. i fully have grasped the concept of it all. the greatness, the joy, the unimaginable love he has. my trip to Brazil was worth all of the struggle, all of the nervousness, all of the worry ALL of it. i had the best time there. i cant put into words what id like to say. its one of those just had to be there type of things. man. and just listening to music from there, or seeing pictures makes me want to break down into tears. im so emotional when it comes to this. i was so attached to those kids. they spoke the most beatuiful language and i think i spent half of my time smiling ear to ear, and the other half was crying. it was the best experience i ever encountered. i could go on about the things i saw, the people i met, the words i learned. i love it all. i swear by it, i will go back before i die. and i will see edwardo again. "minha fortalezaaa." (:

my friends, wow. ive really seen who i can trust in this last year. its pretty much came down to two of my friends thats stayed. i mean, dont get me wrong, i do have more than two friends, but it just seems like only two have really been there for me. some of them are too stuck up, too "depressed" too much of a mess for me to deal with. im done with your pity party, im done with your crying, i have my own friends, and my own bestfriend, and im sticking to it.

so, about the boys part. ithink since ive had this livejournal ive wrote about four guys that i thought were "great" oh buddy has my impression of great changed. i think ive finally found someone that surpasses great. someone that i can count on. someone that is there for me all the time. someone that i can finally say i love. its unimaginable, and i cant get it though my head. you know how all those girls say "my boyfriend is also my bestfriend" and all that cheesy mess. well if i didnt know better, me and jon talk about the same things me and katelyn do and more. i can tell him anything and everything and i wont get judged. i thought my life was over when i got ditched by jake for amyjo. that was an all time low for me. boy was i stupid. i mean hes cool and all but thank heavens God gave me jon. (: i do not know what id do without him. he keeps me sane. and usually when i like a boy, it would be all over livejournal, have you noticed its not like that now? mainly cos i like to spend every waking moment with him. not writing about it. i dont know how it came to be this way, but its the greatest thing ive ever experienced, and if it were ever to end, i dont know what id do with my life.
"You know the feeling when it's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and you know the next one's coming right down the middle... and then... you just connect... and for an instant, you know that it's going over the fence and out of the park... and further than you could ever imagine? "

my life is by far surpassing wonderful now.

to you.

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 00:12:34 GMT

1 . to you: you always keep me upbeat. you are positive even when your going through something like this. i know its hard, but we all know whats best. you may not see it now, but im pretty positive.
2.to you:youve been there more than ever now. its crazy, i woudnt expect us to be this in tune to what we normally are.
3. to you:awh, im so glad your back! i missed you to pieces. you are amazing.
4.and to you: i cant even put into words how i feel. <3

long time no see.

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 04:11:00 GMT

wow. i never thought itd come to this. this time last year i was ready to up and move to a different city without a care.
2008 has been pretty good to me. i mean i cant complain so far. its been gracious.
today was by far one of the greatest days so far. i really cant explain why, its just one of those good days. (:

at church i had to speak about my trip to brazil. i literally thought i was going to break down crying. its just so depressing knowing how much my life was impacted or how i impacted someones life, but i will never see them again. i seriously thought i was going to lose it when i started talking about the lady with aids. it waas miserable. i couldnt bear it.

hahahhahahaha.i met ol boys grandma. (: his family is cute, and suprisingly hilarious. (: i love it all.
i seriously would be heartbroken if he ever decides to break up with me, mainly because i have become so attached to his family. idk, its confusing i guess. this is all just so weird for other people to realize.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:12:28 GMT

breaking dawn comes out on friday.
im going to be the loser that gets it at midnight just so i can read it on the plane.
(:
im so freakin excited!

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 02:40:17 GMT

this is so pathetic.
i was looking through pictures on myspace and about broke down.
you know hard its going to be this year?
do you know how this team fell apart in the blink of an eye?
do you have any idea how much this makes me feel like nothing will ever work?
i mean im happy for them, but geez, you guys left right after she announced that.
i understand your reasonings but quit being hypocites.

im really really really regretting this right now.
i know nothing will change in two weeks but still,
i want to be there, i want to make sure.
i know ill have fun, but theres no use in me worrying.

i trust too much.
i worry too much.
geeza maneeza, chill out.

p.s. i cant tell you how much fun i had this weekend with my boyfriend. (:

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:28:53 GMT

well, i never really write here anymore. :/

but anyways, wv isnt all its cracked up to be. theres tons more.
and it may seem like i dont like it right now, but i do.
im just missing my bestfriend my boyfriend alot right now. :/
its weird. usually i come to wv and never wanna leave, but right now, its kinda dragging.
but i dont even think he cares as much as i do.
hey, ya never know, i hope im wrong.
we'll see i guess. (;

i really like how i can never get anything done. ]:

lately;

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 03:23:21 GMT

1. i never can make up my mind.
2. i laugh everytime they do the 'meow' bit.
3.i take way too many pictures.
4. i think i like jon more than i should.
5. i enjoy talking to my bestfriend, even about little things.
6. over the summer i eat nothing but fruit veggies and purple popsicles.
7. lately, ive been wanting to make time that normally i dont.
8. country music has been making me happy.
9. i love the creek behind his house; ticks and all.
10. tadpoles and lightening bugs fasinate me.
11. i love pepperoni rolls.
12. blackberry and apple juice slushies are great trampoline partners.
13. i cant wait til the month of fireworks.
14. i like listening more than tlaking.
15. i like to hear people sing.
16. i finally have gotten into the habit of using my phone.
17. i wish i owned a hamack.
18. i love huge family sit downs.
19. i love playing card games in the grass or late at night.
20. my trampoline is my greatest friend.

yeah, ill add more later. i learn something new everyday.

Writer's Block: A Last Day Well Spent

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 16:00:23 GMT

If you knew it was your last day on earth, how would you spend the time?

View 502 Answers

id cry. for about two seconds, and then id realize i dont have time for this.
id prolly tell my mum id be gone for half of the day, and call katelyn. wed take pictures that we know wouldnt last. wed eat our weight in subway sandwhiches and subway cookies. wed go to the park, sit on the teeter totter, and gossip about boys and stupid girls. make memories and laugh until it was time to go. id tell her how in heaven jesus can take permanent pictures and how i dont think i could have made it without her. she truely is the bestfriend i could ever ask for and more. shes been there through everything for me and i hope to see her in heaven. (:
then id go to the school, and have one last dance practice with my wings. wed goof off like nobodys buisness. lagh our hearts out, then id leave to go find sierra and erin. wed teepee everyones hosues we didnt like, and throw eggs at peoples cars we didnt know. id go all mushy, make nonbestfriends cry and thank them for being there through the ups and downs throughout everything.
id have to find my click of four and go watch movies and do the stuff we always said we would do but never got the time to do. id play basketball with shawna, swim with kasey, and talk about boyfraaaan with abby.
id run all the way to shawnas house to see ryan and give him a giant hug and explain that in heaven i can marry him. (:
then id make my way to jons house. id give his family a huge hug and thank them for being so nice to me. id make my way down to the creek and catch as many tadpoles as i can find. and try to spend every minute with him doing whatever whenever. and tell him thanks for being possibly one of the greatest guys ive met so far and how he truely is something i didnt expect.
then unfortunately itd be time to leave,
id hop on a plane with my family and make our way to WV to the great mountains to do redneck stuff. wed hang out on front porches with the whole family, eat like no bodys buisness and reminise.

then itd be 12 and id call katelyn and jon, erin and sierra, and tell them i love them very much and i dont know what my life would be without them. and then, itd be over.

uda camp 2008

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 01:58:19 GMT

my last camp. im sore as heck and my ankles are tore up as with my back.
but it was by far worth it.
in a matter of two days our team became practically sisters. ive had the best time and we even got ms.hawkins teary eyed.
it was great. (: im so proud of our team. we got first over all in home routine, blue ribboned a routine, rockstar award twice, leadership award, and most valuable coach.
its great.

tupacs baby momma and africa really surprised me, dang, it was so funny. (: i mean there were times i coulda went without like someones head being stuck up ms.hawkins butt, but it was worth the trouble. i dont know what id do without these girls. they mean the word to me. (:

Sat, 31 May 2008 08:08:27 GMT

i really really like jon. and thats all there is to it. (:

Fri, 30 May 2008 18:50:57 GMT

your sister had the same first name as you?
we were a poor family. we could only afford one name. :/

pahahah! (:

ill be seventeen tomorrow. (: unrestricted all the way. whoooo like anyone follows those rules anyways.
it dosent feel all that special though, im just excited ill get to see shawna and abby tomorrow.
ahaha, not like i havent seen them in forever. just ol boy wont get to come. ):
no fair. grandmas. ):

uhh so preschool graduation last night. it was cute. and little eddie was adorable with his sweater vest and crocodile shoes. hes adorable. :D
onry but adorable.

aghhh! three weeks til wv. :D

im stoked to say at the least. :D

(:

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:11:48 GMT

amazing because it is.

you know, out of all of this crap you put me through, the lies, the taunting, the 'trying to get even' with me, the ridiculous ugly faces you always made at me, i actually learned something out of.
so i thank you.

i never though that having the worst weekend and monday of my life, could turn out great. ferreal though, im not being sarcastic in the least bit either. you can trash me, bring me down, lie to me, and use me, but atleast i know of a couple people who will never let me down.
and you showed me that. (: and not to be rude, but we are too good for you.
but ill pray for you. and ill respect your privacy, and never talk to you again.

im so glad my life has been changed this year. my eyes have been opened so much through all of this. last year and the beginning of this year was enough to kill me. but im so grateful i have someone i can trust fully.

and now that i can see, i thank you, constantly.

raise it up.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 00:52:56 GMT

one. i would be nowhere without you. seriously, i feel like i can tell you anything and everything. you're much more than any bestfriend ive ever had. i dont know what id do if i lost you. and it may sound cheesy and overused, but i owe it all to you. for helping me become the person i am today,and helping me through all the times i needed you.

two. you have impacted my life so much. and everytime i think about it, it seriously makes me want to cry. people take you for grantit everyday. i cant take the constant jokes people bring upon you, it does hurt me too you know. amazing grace, how sweet the sound. i once was lost, but now im found, was blind, but now i see. im lost without you.

three. you, well, you defied everything i thought of your sterotype. that was until the other day. not that im going to moap around and act like you were some important figure in my life, but i must say, i did think i actually liked you. in reality, i dont think i ever did. i think i just liked the thought of you. not really even wanting to date you; cos i must admit, i hated you awkward silences, your choice of what to do in freetime, your constant worrying and complaining about dance, the fact that you were always grounded. you are cute, yeah, but not cute enough to try and talk to now after what you did. your stupid.

four. haha, you shoulda said, 'nice to meet you, you're my other half.' (; this isnt awkward, but i do love those awkward silences, they make me laugh. but i probably shouldnt like you, because of what just happened. but i like your jokes, and you have nice teeth, so why not?

five. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i wish i could make your life as good as you made mine.

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 00:42:47 GMT

oh dear lawd.
tomorrow is easter. (:
im stoked, this is my favorite holiday.
you have no idea.

just everything about it, we have to be at church by sunrise, so we can eat, and have a mini service.
and then go home and rush to get ready in an hour, where i wobble in my heels, and wear too much makeup and my hair too big,
go to a church packed with people that dont normally come, but want to in the spirit of the holiday,
and then go to a dinner filled with chaos and my church family rambles, plays football, and falls asleep on someone else's couch.

:D

i looove it.
love it all.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 11:14:26 GMT

"aye love. :/
i dont know if this message will go through or not, but my myspace has been gay for the past 2 days.
its telling me that none of my friends are online for the past two days and its not letting me message people.
i just wanted to say hey to the most beautiful girl alive (:
by love."

and this is what makes me sure on one half. (:

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 23:13:16 GMT

i hate this feeling. i always do this. and she knows him more, shes has her ways. its inevitable right now this will backfire on me.
but come moday watch the feeling disappear. i dont know him, i dont know anything about him, and as far as i know they are perfect for each other. too bad i hope and pray itll never happen to me. i hope and pray. you have no idea, and if it does, well; ill be happy for them. but i know shed be the first person to jump on that train. the first person, without thinking about peoples feelings. shes just like her.
no wonder they are friends. maybe im just ugly, maybe im just not her, maybe im just worthless. maybe im just too busy worrying.

but these are just assumptions.

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:33:48 GMT

i need to work on my attitude.
my sense of jealously.
my tend to overreact.
my chances to not follow through.
my lack on decisiveness.
my habitual tiredness.
my lack of perception.

godblessamerica, its alot. i cant make up my mind about anything. im jealous one day, content and semi confident, jealous the next, and worried the day after. it pure stupidity if you ask me. and id rather not hear about you 'hating your life'. give up and fix yourself. quit complaing when you know your life is ten times better than most. dont take that for grantit, atleast your not living in a box. but it seems like you like to joke about that alot.

and do you know whats sad? you cant even make it to your own 'bestfriends' party. shows how great you are. lack of inginuity if you ask me. or you just dont care. either way its a sad excuse for friendship. whatever. you lose.
and losing sucks. just saying.

but dance was extremely funny today. (: i love having practice with these girls. and i never thought i could have so much fun when i was in a bad mood. im glad the studio is like the only place i can seem to get away from all the drama, and actually be accepted. you know.
one of those good feelings. (: and competitions are soon.
im stoked.
you have no idea how much dancing makes me feel.
and actually competing, well, thats ten times as great.

wish i could show you how, i wish i could tell you how great this feeling is.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 01:13:35 GMT

i have the worst temper and attitude in the entire world right now.
seriously, i dont know whats wrong with me.
even the slightest things ticked me off after dance practice.
like peoples carlights.
which might i add would be the reason for my hate of driving at night.
i cant stand carlights to save anyones life.
but i think it was SAMANTHAAA who ticked me off at practice.
i was ready to blow her up.
i told her my hip felt like it was ripping, and she didnt care.
and so my hip popped out of place,
and i was ready to kill her.
too bad i never did anything full out after that;
and she was standing in front of me.
i cant stand her.
i dont care what you say, sometimes she can be a real lasjfkasdhf pain.
whatever.

i dont care, today was just, another day.
same ol same old, just with an attitude.

Brazil.

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 02:29:15 GMT

I am overwhelmed, to say at the least. No way on Earth did i think this would pass through to my family. This would be my first plane trip, and its aross the country. In a place where i wont be safe, in a place that ill need guidance, in a place without my family.
Im super nervous and its over a half a year away, but im excited, more than anything in this world.
I dont know what it is about helping people, or the beautiful atmosphere that comes from it, but im in love with it. (:

i want to marry this boy. He just made it through on American Idol. His voice is beautiful. (((: ahaha, not even the fact it was a girl song, ohhh beautiful boy. pahahaha.
and even geeky boy is getting it. (:

"You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be."

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 04:54:49 GMT

and all i can hear is the faint cry barks in the background followed by the low humdrum mellow snores as she falls to sleep.
this place is so serene. so empty, yet so full.
my mind wanders in every direction, and i can not tell you how.
Its that sort of major league , outta the park, grand slam sorta ordeal.
those had to be there moments that reply in my mind constantly.
its those, i wish you were here, and im sorry recaps.
getting lost in a new moon may be easier than so said reality as it may be.
it aches, realizing what ive missed,
yet, can you blame me?
i dont know how it could have ended,
comprehend--
i love you.

way to go grace.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:04:22 GMT

oh dang.

i had to have the worst luck today.
little miss graceful over here started out her day by almost face planting the concrete steps leading up to her house.
and yet again,
her shoelaces came untied fifty billion times causing her to, well, inevitably trip every two seconds.
hot tamales which dropped all over the floor caused her to trip.
and yet again, she accomplished to manage TWO cheeseburgers.
one of which fell on the floor,

oh and did i mention; she almost got her book burned by a teacher?

pahaha; all in all, it was a pretty swell day. (:
this book is by far one of the best books ive read.
role play of thy life; i swear.
just less dramatic.
i enjoy it.
j-o-y.

i cant wait till friday.
tis enjoyable. (:

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 19:28:53 GMT

my life is on repeat.

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 03:38:20 GMT

and as inevitably just as i saw it; its happening again. Its happening again, just as always. just like a book, it never fails, same plot line, same context and everything. but this time, this time, im actually not too worried about anything. I enjoy the humor, the false pretense, everything.
J-O-Y. so said. but its not as easy, knowing the consequences, i have a safe route, you know, the one thats nearest to me. But in escaping the best possible route, being shallow and it consuming me in its entirety, i realize, i have no idea what im doing. I hate when this happens,
and it seems as just when it happens, i start a new book, and consume myself in it, rather in my own life. i wish i could just see what you're thinking, and know everything about you.
its not as easy as it looks, let me tell you. dissapointment is a new difficulty to me. i hate hurting people, but obviously, thats what i do best.

tell me everything,
i dont care,
nothing could be worse.

is it going.

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 23:56:16 GMT

and seeming as if everything is falling into place, i realize i am reading my life. not only does it sound absurd but completely and inevitably spectacular. feelings as if weight has been liften off of my shoulders make even the smallest things exhilerating. i like being part of something, and enjoying every minute of it. i hope this last til summer, time for soaking everything up lying on the grass feeling sunlight hit me in every direction.
that is the first thing i long for.
the second is a bit more complicated.
but as all in all goes, im pretty sure 2008 will get better and better. bring on the even numbers, bring on the growth, bring on the warmth.
and this is how the story goes.